For that person

A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and time build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

Quoted from 'Eleven Minutes' by Paulo Coelho. It was read by Ralf , as a farewell.. so Maria thought..

In actual fact dear, it's for the beginning of what they have already started..

Is it hard to be yourself?

I hate when I have to be someone who I am not.. So people said I am capable of.. But what if I don't want to do it? What if I say, that's not me and I differ to change myself? Will people say "yeah, sure.. I understand?" Nop.. people think its best for me to be that person.. a whole rounder, you say? Yeah so I can do it, but doesn't mean I WILL do it..

It's like saying, I can bake the best cake ever.. but doesn't mean I'm going to bake you a cake everyday.. or I'll be a baker for that matter.. I, myself, have my own vision and things I want to do and that, is something you can't tell me not to do..

I just want to be me.. why can't people just accept it.. If I feel like doing it, I'll do it.. No nagging, no pecking.. Why can't I just have the freedom to do what i want without anyone judging me? Why can't I just have fun with what I decide to do? so I agree that everyone and everything that happens in this world is linked to each other.. I can't be selfish.. Then why tell me to be myself?

Everything in this world can't shift as you like.. all happenings don't just happen as you like.. and time doesn't wait on you to make a history.. So I have learnt that years ago.. but for once.. why can't people around understand and just at least, once, make a miracle for each other?


Most importantly, why can't people just understand?...

*This is not a personal runt but just an issue to say out loud (o','o)v*

what's inside the heart?

there are times that i feel world is not fair.. who said its fair anyways? sometimes, some stuff i felt like i don't deserve them.. doesn't matter whether its good or bad.. it's not that i blame anyone, anything and definitely, am not blaming God.. for me, if it is something bad, it is something i should learn and not do it again.. if the same thing keeps on happening again and again.. not because you're born with bad luck or something superstitious like that.. it's because you haven't learn out of it.. that's why you keep on having the same problem..

but what if you think you don't deserve something good like.. you think you don't deserve 50 bucks just because you found someone's phone *maybe yes maybe not :p* or maybe.. you think you don't deserve the bestest surprise birthday ever just because you're not the bestest person ever..

i used to feel that way.. some occasions.. and i don't like talking about it just because it feels as if I am making a big deal out of it.. but once, i told someone about this feeling.. and this person actually said something but i can't make it.. but again, it made me think.. this person said, "you might not see it because it is you they are thinking of.. and not yourself thinking of yourself.. its the same thing when people say you're bad when you think you're not that bad.." and i have to say.. it's true..

I then asked someone else who is much wiser than the person who told me before and even wiser than myself.. that person agreed to what the first person said.. and also added "that is because God wants to show something that you might not realize of yourself.. you didn't see that trait in yourself.. when you do something, it's about the intention of doing it.. and He gives you something in return.. you might think you don't deserve it, but that's exactly what you should get.."

so I'm just saying right now.. what ever you get or didn't get.. it's not because you can't or you don't.. but its because that's what you should and can get.. also.. true that what ever comes out of your mouth is a prayer, but what's inside your heart makes a big difference, not just for normal human being.. but most importantly, it makes a big difference between you and The Almighty..

insyaAllah..

my daily routine you ask?

well, i could say what a normal house guardian do; do the laundry, do the dishes, do everything and even sometimes, baby sit my nephews and nieces.. well.. boleh laaa~ :D when i still don't have internet connection at home, i would visit my sister and tumpang her wireless at her place.. at the same time, i'll baby sit the kids laaa *hehe* and sometimes, i went to putrajaya to my other sister's place to baby sit HER.. yes my older sister.. *teehee* well, her husband is not around, so she said it would be great if I could be there with her.. being a nice sister *pfft!!*, I stayed with her and at the same time.. Internet connection!! *hehehe* Now that I have it at my home, in my own room, I don't need to go out anymore.. :D

Though I am almost bored to death, I am still reluctant to find a job.. Yeah I've started to search for it but at the same time, already started rejecting them.. *ahaha* my reason?? My working outfits are not here yet.. *hahah!!* like that's a good reason huh?

On the side note, I am waiting for someone to come back.. so, if I start working, it would be hard for me to meet him ey?? :p yes a very lame reason but a good one too.. betul whatt!!! *tsk tsk tsk to myself*

oh well.. busy2.. need to go do some workkk...

welcome home

Sorry for the long pause people.. tak bermaksud.. :p

Alhamdulillah i'm back in Malaysia already.. It's always good to be back regardless the weather and the people.. :p going back this time is definitely different.. the feeling is definitely different.. the environment too.. it is definitely something i don't want to go through again..

once touched down, the excitement came right through my whole body.. especially to think that i'll be meeting my new niece and nephew.. well.. not new per se, but new laa jugak for me.. meeting everyone also means leaving my "old family" for the past four years.. it was definitely sad.. some of us can't even hold back the tears.. yeap.. i guess.. despite the physical look that we're not close and a bit distance.. we are close to heart.. the friendship we thought we didn't have is actually there all along.. the tears and sadness were the proof..


anyways.. a week in malaysia is not enough to learn all new sort of things about current malaysians.. somewhat happy to know about.. but mostly shocking things about these denizens.. they've grown "smarter", "braver" and crazier.. tell me about Islam being the national religion.. no wonder we're changing it to Islam Hadari..

I could go on and tell you all about Malaysia kini... im getting cultural-shock more here in malaysia than in the states.. I guess, we've been exposed to western culture that we've expected it.. I'm definitely not ready with what I'm hearing now about malaysians though..

oh well, sooner or later.. this will come anyways.. Im just complaining because im not ready for it.. :)